I can't believe it has been ten days since I have posted, although I don't think anyone is actually reading this so really it is the equivilant of talking to myself, but I at least find it all very theraputic, so I shall continue.
Wedding bells are in the air, although a think there is little of this wedding we shall actually plan ourselves but I think that's just the way it goes. Me and Matt chatted last night about the reality of getting married and both admitted we were actually terrified. 'What if it all goes wrong' he asked worridly 'we'll get devorced' I switfly replied. But the reality is we have 4 individual sets of parents between us, which totals 7 people in a 'parental' role as such. 7 people to attempt to please and try not to sit all together!
My parents devorce is still a little raw as it was only about 4 years ago. My Dad has remarried, which is not the way I thought it would be, especially as mum left him, for some reason you imagine it to be the other way round. But more and more I am seeing that I am realied on less and less, which is great for him, but for me a little sad. You see I like to be needed and I hadn't ever been needed before my parents seperated. Suddenly my Dad was around, just around, smoking in our flat (even though it was no smoking, I didn't have the heart to tell him, so would run around opening the windows instead), or bringing us a chinease just because or popping in while he was passing (who drives through Hucknall to Ravenshead) I know it was really because he didn't want to be alone, but for me I finally had my Dad around, a man, through his choice of career, had missed a lot of our lives, and it was great to suddenly have him there. So, some what selfishly, I enjoyed his vunerability, I was needed for the first time, not dumped on, not 'you'll do' actually needed. And now I am so glad he has found happiness and come such a long way (he really is a changed man) but again selfishly I miss the Dad that needed me. As for Mum she pushes forward, before the devorce I never saw the strong woman she really is, and while she stills drives me crazy, we struggle to connect and always gives you TOO much information, I am very proud of her, for standing on her own two feet and taking her time to find someone new. I mean what's the rush. As I said to Matt last night, we can always wait, there is no rush.
Matt worries that we want different things from life and that, that could be a problem (the majority of these fears come from us watching property programmes and me liking the houses he hates and vice versa) but I don't think we do, because I don't think either of us actually know what we really want. We decided to make lists and it turns out we do want a lot of the same things (and that I am very good at drawing Ike from South Park). For a while there I had started to envisage Carrie's wedding to Big in SATC but hopefully he's just as fearful as I am that, well lets be honest, that we might just fuck it up!
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