Autumn

A part of me cannot believe it is already November! The clocks have changed and so has the season, there is something totally inspiring about Autumn and it is by far my favourite season. As the leaves change a new season is upon us and another season of our lives have passed.

The autumn for me always signifies the countdown to Christmas but it's a countdown I enjoy more that the day itself.

Near our house is a patch of grass where people walk the dogs, a few trees litter the space and it is in these I watch the Autumn coming in, from the green leaves of summer, changing to brown and ten falling to the ground creating a carpet of total beauty. From our study window I can almost glimpse the tree tops of the park beyond the tram lines, have changed too now and I know the soft, dying leaves will have collected on the paths and floated seamlessly down the lake in the park.

As soon as the Goose leaves the roundabout in Nottingham then Autumn has arrived, as if his migration signifies the end of the summer. Soon the people walking the steep hill to town are pushing the leaves and the squirrels are busy collecting for the winter months, undettered my the climbing tram and bustles of people wrapped up against the wind.

The scarves come out and heating goes on and before we know it Halloween is here, the jackolanterns glow in the windows (even in ours) and children dressed as ghosts and ghouls go door to door for treats galore. The parties begin with adults dressed as Dracula's and town is transformed into a part for the dead for one night only.

And then skies are alight with colours of bright gold and amber to match those dying leaves as firework night is upon us. The day after I always find the low smoke left by the many fireworks and bonfires hanging in the air very comforting.

So bring on the long nights and cold winds, as I am happy to wrap up warm for our beautiful autumn days.

Enjoy....

The life of a faceless blogger

I think it's fair to say that I am NOT a faceless blogger, for one how does that work, really? How do you promote your blog, suggest it to your friends or avoid divulging any information that may reveal your identity. I can totally see why someone would want to be anonymous, I know that I have used this blog to lay some old demons to rest. Maybe because if you talk about things that are less than jolly, people find you less than jolly to be around, the problem is, that to move forward sometimes we must go back.

I also know that I was never really going to talk about a lot of the stuff I went through in my life face to face with anyone, it's not me. And while I know that everyone knows that these words are mine, it's ok, because this way I do feel protected, you can judge me but I cannot see you and therefore may never know, sometimes ignorance really is bliss! As for my parents, I don't really think they will ever read this and if they do, well they should know that I am the woman I am now because of the things I went through to be here, I am proud of me so they should be too (ok I secretly hope they do not read this but it's inevitable that at some point they may see it). I am pretty sure my brother has read it, and maybe my sisters, but our family aren't big on the talking, and feel pretty much that what happened in the past stays in the past. While the things I went through as a teenager aren't openly talked about, I no longer feel that they are the elephant in the room, thanks to this blog. For those of us who couldn't open up, who turned to other methods to cope be it drinking, crying, self-harm (that one was mine) or any other form of escape blogging has given us an outlet, I can't believe I am the only to feel like this. And so in an air of absolute honesty here are a few other things you may not have know about me:

• I totally LOVE singing and if I had the guts would join a band
• I used to be a bit of a goth, the Korn CD is long go, but I kept a few others
• I cannot skate or roller skate (I just never learnt)
• I really like Britney Spears
• I used to fancy Right Said Fred and the guy from the Crystal Maze

That's enough for now, I don't want to give it all away, you may stop reading! I suppose my point is that for some people this is the perfect anonymous release, to get out things they could or would never say in person, but for me, it's sort of a way of getting the real me out.

The average life of the not so normal‏

A friend of mine tweeted not so long a go 'some people don't realise how hard some of us are working just to be normal.' This friend is a guy who hates football and doesn't drink, loves films and bikes and taking pictures, and therefore believes that people find him not 'normal' as he does not fill the stereotype of your average man, and worryingly it's probably true. For some of us a standard conversation with another human being is a terribly scary thing, I'm a what I like to call a 'try hard', someone whose fairly certain they are not 'normal' but try damn hard to be. We all know there's no such thing as 'normal' I mean, how is it measured? But then we also know the average man drinks 4 pints a week, women spend thousands a year on make-up and 2 year old boys do not play with barbies, right? I'm not sure who decided what constitutes the 'norm' but I can't help wondering if that person was also a 'try hard.' Most of the time we get away with our abnormal natures by surrounding ourselves with other 'try hards' but occasionally we are let loose on unsuspecting prey, for example, the friend mentioned above was once responsible (in a work capacity) for escorting Robert Carlyle to a premier of one of his films. Unfortunately all Robert wanted to talk about on the way there was where was good to get a beer and the footie (I envisaged an IT Crowd 'did you see that ludicrous display' moment coming on) or myself, who when speaking to an Editor from the BBC and the conversation dried up, rather than standing 'normally' and not saying anything, pipped up 'did you know that if the tram and the train had a race the tram would win' still a classic among my colleagues! So for some of us the very act of being 'normal' is an everyday thought as much as remembering to breathe in and out it is for everyone else . Unless there are more of us 'try hards' than I had realised?

Those little life decisions.........

There's some decisions you put off in life until they hit you right in the face. Last year I started studying for my national certificate in journalism. Within 6 months I tried to learn and sit 5 exams it was too much and I fell below the pass rate on all 5, effectively failing them all. It was a huge knock to my already faltering confidence and I put them all on the back burner, convincing myself I would tackle them again once my other major life decision (getting married) was out of the way. Now a year later and a Mrs I am taking the decision to start again. This time I have decided to do it in smaller pieces. A decision I should have taken from the start. Sitting only 2 exams at a time will take me another 8 months to finish the qualification, taking into account my own learning ability this time (and the fact that the exams are only every few months) I now know it'll be tough going but I have a determination that I never had before. I want to accomplish something fulfilling and meaningful to me. It'll be a hard slog but as they say you only have to do these things once, or twice in my case!

Oh crikey bikey!

We have bikes, yep, we're quitting the gym and cycling everywhere instead, like some smug middle class yuppies who have discovered a brighter way to exercising than running indoors. The truth however is that the reason we enjoy this type of exercise so much is because we know it so well. Going to the gym became an unpleasant chore, in fact 'became' may be pushing it, there was no sense of excitement joining the gym, not like with the bikes. Last night I was positively jumping up and down with the endless possibilities of where we could go (I had apparently completely forgotten that I posses a driving licence and could get twice as far twice as fast). I even have a helmet, it's white and pink and I look about 12 in it, which is ironic because at 12 I would not have been seen dead in a helmet (and it's probably a miracle that I wasn't), but now I am terrified to leave the drive without it on! And so have begun our cycling adventures, noticeably wobblier than I ever remember it all being and it turns out the saying is true, you don't forget, but your confidence certainly goes a little, we cycled almost non-stop around the little villages near the town we live in and we found ourselves passing through a wooded area as the sun was starting to set and stopped to admire the view, before setting off on our journey again and having to shut out the urge to play knock a door run on our friend as we cycled passed his house! So maybe the adult in us cannot be suppressed at all times, but it's sure good to let that inner kid in us out for a while, even if it is just to do wheelies on the drive!

The real question

A friend of mine is going to break up the woman he is seeing because she has no ambition, she works in a bar, he's a city banker, and to be honest at first thought I absolutely agreed with him. If it's a problem now then surely somewhere down the line it'll be a problem again, right? Good on him for looking for someone who meets his requirements. But I realised today that there was a crucial question I never asked 'is she happy' you might think what does it matter? But the truth is it matters more than anything else, because finding where we fit in this world is the hardest thing we ever have to do, if she moans about her job 24\7 but still does it then shame on her, but if she loves it and is happy and donning a pencil skirt and heals to go add up numbers in some office would make her ridiculously miserable than surely her happiness is paramount.
I have to confess, I have only had one job I really liked, it was as a barmaid! I was happy being with the punters, the regulars and joking with my friends, no I didn't want to do it forever but I wonder how much of that was to do with my own ambitions as opposed to the fact that all my friends moved on, so, so did I.
Finding a job that makes you happy isn't that easy for everyone and other peoples prejudices definitely play apart, for example I know a person with a great career whose worked bloody hard for it but whose not entirely happy and if I'm honest I think would love to do something else, but they can't, they've put too much into it already, it would be a waste, yes? Or is the waste doing something you dislike for the rest of your life? I can't even think about the fact that I have to go to work for the next 35 years, doing this?! But when do you decided to jump, how far is too far in to get out?
I know loads of people who have degrees in entirely unrelated subjects to the job they do now, and I always hear people say these 4 words 'what was the point?' Well I'll tell you, we had a bloody good time, drank a shit load of alcohol and made friends that will hopefully stick around for life, as for the degree well let's be honest that was just plodding along somewhere on the sidelines, the point is that the only person this should be relevant to is you (plus the fact that we may be one of the last generations to get away with it, student life certainly wasn't cheap or easy but it was nothing compared to what it is now)! My husband thinks I just dislike working, but he's wrong, I love being busy, helping people, meeting people and I would LOVE if I could find a job that actually involved some writing and creativity, unfortunately this appears harder than throwing pine nuts at fireflies!
I may never find my place and that saddens me. More than anything, maybe I'll plod around a bit more, have children and never really work again, fabulous, right? Only I actually do want a career, it's just starting to feel like there isn't a career that wants me.

To change or not to change?

This weekend we found ourselves in London, visiting some of our many friends who have relocated there. It got us wondering about our next move. While the delights of village life have been calling to us recently a weekend in the big smoke made us go back to thoughts of taking ourselves down there for a while. The pro's and con's, well:

London - pro's:
- More money
- Great social life
- More job opportunities for the future
- See more of our southern friends
- Shopping
- Living the fast life

London - con's:
- More expensive
- Would have to rent
- Busy life
- Away from our family and friends in the midlands
- Not sure our little cat would like it

Here - pro's
- Owning our own home
- Friends and family
- Countryside
- Affordable
- Could get more pets :)

Here - con's
- Less opportunities job wise
- Never lived anywhere but here
- Maybe a little too comfortable?

Ok so the pro's and con's lists are not great and if you think about it logically staying here is the best option and makes most sense, but when your young you don't always do the things that make the most sense, there is much thinking to be done, and while my dreams about the little house in country are what calm me at night, my concerns remain that I am young and want to make the very most of my life, all of it. I suppose time will tell.......

Happy Easter

Ok, so I am not an Easter person really, in fact I have received no Easter eggs this weekend, and good job really, what with my impending nuptials only a few weeks away. But what I did do was have a clear out and I was amazed how therapeutic it was. Friday morning we got up, cleaned the house and decided to empty our wardrobe and be totally brutal, if it has not been warn in the last 6 months, is too big or too small it goes to the clothes bank (or if nice enough into a bag for my sisters to rummage in before heading to the clothes bank)! 2 hours and 4 bags later we had finished, 3 for the clothes bank and one bag for my sisters, although I have to say that only about half of a bag was Matt's stuff. The whole thing felt great and got me thinking about the other areas of my life that desperately need organising, like for instance my finances. This was honed in further for me when on Monday I worked out I could, theoretically afford a brand new Fiat 500 (the dream car) on finance but at the moment, no way! I worked out that I should actually end each month with a tidy sum of money, instead I go overdrawn and the first payment of the next pay day goes to paying that back and so the cycle continues, but why? I decided to go over my finances from the previous 2 months and see where this money is going and what is going wrong and it was pretty scary. There is money flying all over the place, and I determined these factors:
1. I have no idea, one day to the next how much money is in my account;
2. I have no idea how much I have spent or what is still to come out;
3. I draw out, say a tenner because I need £1.50 and have no idea where the other £8.50 goes
4. I spend a lot of bits, £2 here, £3 there and they all add up
So the answer, well you would think living with an accountant would have made me better, and in fact he has been saying for years that he does not understand where my money goes, well now, neither do I. So in view of the fact that:
A. I want to be better with my money so that me and Matt get more out of life, like new furniture, holidays and quality time as soon to be Mr and Mrs and;
B. that I would one day love to be tooting around in a little white Fiat 500
I am making a vow to be better with my money. From today I am going to keep track of everything I spend, right down to the last penny. I am going to check my balance at least once every other day so I always know how much money I have and I am going to cease from wasting it on frivolous things. I will post again soon with an update, but for now, fingers crossed!

A new year and time for some long overdue cleansing of the soul

I had come to believe that no-one was reading this, and that is why I stopped blogging quite so much, but I have discovered that I miss it and it has dawned on me that this is much more like a diary than a blog and for that therapeutic reason I am going to keep going.
When I was a teenager I always kept a diary, the best one was a small notebook that I had decorated with the wrapper from a Smarties Easter egg, I loved the texture of it as the foil had crumpled together when I had glued it on, I think it also had my name on, which was made up of letters I had cut out of magazines. I don't have it anymore, I destroyed them all some years ago, now I can see it was a part of the breaking process, I was in a bad relationship, which involved the other person gaining complete control and I think this is the reason that I am so uncomfortable in my own skin, even now.
Those years as a teenager, when you grow and you learn about yourself, other people and the generalness of the world, were the years I spent hiding, keeping quiet, crying and self harming. Listening to heavy metal music and shutting myself off from the world, a world I believe I did want to be a part of, I just didn't know how to. I was so venerable as a teenager, desperate to be noticed and have my affections returned, I'd had crushes, who had humiliated me, and friends who were going out with the popular boys, while the popular boys were bullying me. We weren't on the same page and after a while it began to feel as if we weren't even on the same planet! So when I met someone who supposedly cared for me (which in a way I don't doubt he did, it was just in a twisted and warped way) I jumped at the chance, and fell in head first. I stayed for nearly 5 years, in the end I had started to think less about my way out of the relationship and more about my way out of the world altogether, convinced I would never be able to walk away, I though I could at least slip away.
But then, things changed, I started University and I got a part-time job, I made new friends and re-made friends I had lost, and I met someone, someone who gave me hope, who, for the first time showed me affection with no hint of anything more, someone who was just nice. I had friends again, I laughed (occasionally) I stopped harming myself and started distancing myself from the one that was harming me, and like a a drug addict in the throws of recovery I got strong enough to leave.
It didn't come without it's repercussions, it was in fact the hardest thing I have ever done, what had started out as young love, had over time become an intense fear that penetrated me so deeply I could not remove myself from the situation and I was totally incapable of walking away, given the choice I would have chosen him every time and convinced myself that it was love that was keeping us together, when in fact, it was only an immobilising fear.
And now as I stare at my life ahead, with the one who got me here, I am beginning to really learn who I am, what I am capable of, and who I want to be in the future, all with the man who gave me the greatest gift of all..........faith, in myself.

2010

I was going to start this blog with some please forgive me, for it has been a month since I last blogged. All very catholic confession but decided against it, as I haven't really had an awful lot I wanted to say. But now that Christmas has been and gone I felt it time to start my whining again. Only kidding. It is one of my new year resolutions to not whine actually;
1. stop whining and start doing
2. stop eating and start exercising
3. stop worrying and start organising
4. start relaxing and stop stressing!
The biggest thing is that I am getting married this year, I will no longer be Miss Paton but Mrs Kaufman, in a mere 5 months, my single life will officially be behind me, and I cannot wait. I know it's slushy and gooey but I am so looking forward to being Matt's wife, it's like having a big pair of arms there permanently to protect me and keep me warm and vice versa, how lovely! and it is all so exciting!
On the downside I did not pass my journalism exams, I needed C's or above and came away with D's and E's, annoyingly I was only a couple of marks off a C on my news writing exam! Ideally I would pick up the books and have another go, I was pretty damn close after all, unfortunately I have neither the money nor the time to do that, the exams are in May, and I know I will not be able to cope with the wedding and resits for exams that are so hard they make my brain ache lol! So what now for my nothing career? Who the hell knows, what with the recession, weddings and general financial short comings I am in no position to do anything really. Very sad but not altogether unpredictable, lets be honest, no-one really expected me to succeed anyway, least of all me. Oh and that's not whining, that's just honesty lol! Maybe I will have another go in 6 months time, but for now I think I may have to just accept my lot and move on, I have a wedding to plan after all!