work, the book thief, war and the world

Yesterday I finished 'The Book Thief' by Markus Zusak, an amazing present from a close friend and a book that I have wanted to read for a long time, she read my mind and I am so glad she did. Every now and again I come across a book that I know will stay in my life forever, I remember the first book, it was 'Birdsong' by Sebastian Faulks, the second 'Captain Corelli's Mandolin,' the third 'Shadow of the Wind' and now 'The Book Thief.' For those of you that haven't read it I won't spoil the novel, but it is a story about the power of words, people and Hitler. In fact oddly you may or may not have noticed a running theme through the books that I have adopted, I cannot explain why I feel drawn to stories to do with war, I believe it has something to do with the way it forces humans to react, their instincts, desperation, love and short lives. Each of those books taught me something rare and true, 'Birdsong' showed me that true love does not always last a lifetime (a valuable lesson for any 17 year old). 'Captain Corelli's Mandolin' taught me about trust and beliving in yourself. 'The Shadow of the Wind' taught me that people aren't always what they seem, and ironically not to 'judge a book by its cover.' So what did 'The Book Thief' teach me? Well other than reminding me just how powerful words can be, for me it carried another message, one that resounded in me the moment I read the very first page.
When I think of war I think of soldiers, the enemy, fighting. Any mention of WWII will make the majority think of Hitler (obvioulsy) but I had never truly thought about the German people, ordinary people, that hated Hitler and his motives as much as the Jews but were too scared to do anything but agree, too afraid for their lives to help, to do anything at all. I hadn't thought about the innocent German civilians who died under our fire, our bombs, I hadn't thought about the German soldiers put on the front line because they didn't agree with their leader, none of these people had been real to me unitl I met Liesel (the protagonist but not the narrator of 'The Book Thief', Zusak gives that job to death himself). And just as Louis de Berniéres had me thinking about Kefalonia's role and decisions during WWII long after I had finished reading 'Captain Correlli's Mandolin.' I know I will be thinking about the lost (and I couldn't choose a word more fitting than 'lost') lives of anyone who was or is touched by war, even the so called 'enemy' for a long time to come.

Ten days later....

I can't believe it has been ten days since I have posted, although I don't think anyone is actually reading this so really it is the equivilant of talking to myself, but I at least find it all very theraputic, so I shall continue.
Wedding bells are in the air, although a think there is little of this wedding we shall actually plan ourselves but I think that's just the way it goes. Me and Matt chatted last night about the reality of getting married and both admitted we were actually terrified. 'What if it all goes wrong' he asked worridly 'we'll get devorced' I switfly replied. But the reality is we have 4 individual sets of parents between us, which totals 7 people in a 'parental' role as such. 7 people to attempt to please and try not to sit all together!
My parents devorce is still a little raw as it was only about 4 years ago. My Dad has remarried, which is not the way I thought it would be, especially as mum left him, for some reason you imagine it to be the other way round. But more and more I am seeing that I am realied on less and less, which is great for him, but for me a little sad. You see I like to be needed and I hadn't ever been needed before my parents seperated. Suddenly my Dad was around, just around, smoking in our flat (even though it was no smoking, I didn't have the heart to tell him, so would run around opening the windows instead), or bringing us a chinease just because or popping in while he was passing (who drives through Hucknall to Ravenshead) I know it was really because he didn't want to be alone, but for me I finally had my Dad around, a man, through his choice of career, had missed a lot of our lives, and it was great to suddenly have him there. So, some what selfishly, I enjoyed his vunerability, I was needed for the first time, not dumped on, not 'you'll do' actually needed. And now I am so glad he has found happiness and come such a long way (he really is a changed man) but again selfishly I miss the Dad that needed me. As for Mum she pushes forward, before the devorce I never saw the strong woman she really is, and while she stills drives me crazy, we struggle to connect and always gives you TOO much information, I am very proud of her, for standing on her own two feet and taking her time to find someone new. I mean what's the rush. As I said to Matt last night, we can always wait, there is no rush.
Matt worries that we want different things from life and that, that could be a problem (the majority of these fears come from us watching property programmes and me liking the houses he hates and vice versa) but I don't think we do, because I don't think either of us actually know what we really want. We decided to make lists and it turns out we do want a lot of the same things (and that I am very good at drawing Ike from South Park). For a while there I had started to envisage Carrie's wedding to Big in SATC but hopefully he's just as fearful as I am that, well lets be honest, that we might just fuck it up!

A toast before we go into battle. True love. In whatever shape or form it may come. May we all in our dotage be proud to say, "I was adored once too"

My apologies for the Four Weddings and a funeral quote. Guess we know what I will be watching the night before the big day! So we are finally booking our wedding, I will finally wear a stunning white dress (and undoubtedly cry all over it) and I will fainlly be Mrs Isabel Kaufman, I have to say that, now it's happening, coupled with the extreme excitement that has me jumping up and down at regular intervals, I also feel some what saddened. This will sound odd, but I have never felt my name went togther, you know how when people are trying to name a new baby and they say 'no that doesn't go' well apparently no-on said that when I was named. Isabel Paton. It just doesn't flow, so while part of me is glad to be getting a name that at least in my mind fits together, I am also sad to be loosing a) the name I have carried, all be it awkwardly, for the last 24 years and b) my Scottish connection, something which I have always felt quietly proud of.
There's other things too, such as being someones wife, which has a sense of ownership I dislike but at the same time a tremendous sense of safety which I love.
I am going to be with the same person for the rest of my life (yes forever........) and again fear coupled with utter excitment at the prospect of being with Matt always, knowing that my best friend, the person who makes me smile, scraps me of the floor when I am feeling blue and for some bizaare reason still loves me despite my many pages of faluts will be with me always. I suppose I should be more sceptical, mainly because both mine and Matt's parents are devorced but for whatever reason I remain hopeful that whatever the problem there will always be a way through, and I also know that, love is not enough to survive, that it takes hard work, communication and friendship! Luckily I firmly believe we have these things too :)

Two posts in one day!

I know, two posts in one day! It's madness I tell you! But I wanted to post to say that I have just watched the new campaign video from Womens Aid, a charity that helps women who have experienced abuse, if you haven't seen it, please watch it, it's incredible. Well done to Keira Knightley and and director Joe Wright who gave their time for nothing to make this.

http://www.cutmovie.co.uk/

It's shocking to watch, but it happens, I should know.

x

"Saturday night's alright alright alright, oooooh"

Unofrtunately (for me anyway) it is not Saturday today, ones head is confused. Instead of our usual Friday night down the pub, we went last night so I woke up this morning thinking it was saturday, and yes, it hurt alot when I realised it was indeed Friday. So I am on my third cup of coffee already as I try to bribe my brain into staying awake, although a day of organising press cuttings is unlikely to help with my quest!! The reason for the random Thursday pub night was because if we don't go to the pub at least one night in the week, we shrivel up and die (apparently, I don't want to test this theory to find out if I really would, so I keep going, just to be on the safe side). Tonight me and Matt are going for a curry with some of his friends from work, only we are meeting at 7pm, which is crazily early!! I don't get home from work til 6.15, and I hate rushing to go out, I like to take my time to get ready, listen to some music, not rush in rush out! Plus it also means I won't be able to meet up with some people I used to work with at ACE before hand! I blame Matt, naturally! Plus, becasue I need more things to moan about today, where has the sun gone, the blue skies and jacket weather, I was back in my long coat and scarf today! Brrrr. I was debating which jacket to wear this morning while having my breakfast in our recently spacious lounge, which now only contains one sofa instead of the standard two, I was gazing out the window at our garden, passed the pile of broken sofa......yes I said broken sofa, the bloody things no longer in the house, but it has only moved a few meters to just outside the back door! A friend of Matt's from work came over last night, husband in tow and had very kindly said we could use their extremely large car to finally take the bastard thing to the dump, only when they got there they were told they couldn't bring it in because you have to have a permit for a vehicle that size, why? incase we were dunmping industrial waste! Errr HELLO there's a large red and yellow sofa hanging out the back, you plank!! You can imagine I was rather stunned to be on the phone to my friend in the lounge and see Matt come back through the garden gate...and then the sofa! I feel he released his anger in a controled way...by smashing the bloody thing to pieces! Now it will fit in his car and will definately be going to that landfil in the sky! At last!